Time to Grow Up
I've been dragging my feet to create a real update- mostly because going into this weekend, I really wasn't sure if I would come out single or "seeing someone."
As it turns out, I am still "seeing someone" and I spent all of today contemplating this relationship. Boyfriend is, and has been, a very good person. I've, behind his back, more or less beat him up out of my own inexplicable insanity. Perhaps I'm just this insane bitch. Perhaps I have unreal expectations. Most likely, it's that I get so hung up on issues, and I just can't let go: and this does not say good things about my personality. Mostly I think it's that I've been thinking that he doesn't deserve me, and that I can do so much better. What a horrible way to think of another human being.
Anyway, I fully prepared to break up with Boyfriend this weekend, right down to tracking down a replacement CD of the crazy German art band he lent me (and I lost).
He was set to show at noon, but actually darkened my door around 2 pm. [side note: I've managed to pick up all of the really ugly traits from my mother, among them is the incredible ability to be an unreasonable bitch and an anxiety about time. If you say that you will pick me up from the train station at 6:05, I expect your ass there at 6:10 at the latest, because I will beat down the mafia to be on time. I didn't call her "The Time Nazi" for nothing.] Boyfriend is not so fastidious with a time piece. When my OCD finally sets in, my first behavior will be watch-checking.
-Anyway- I have lunch waiting- mostly because I don't have any money, and I'm not the least bit interested in showing weakness by not being able to pay my half. Boyfriend is not a fan of my diet...but he still manages to eat what I've made. We eat in silence, and spend most of the time in awkward restraint. My mind lingers on the CD and how and when I'll end this.
Because Boyfriend decided to depart two hours later than planned, Male Roommate came home for lunch, and Boyfriend's aversion to my friends and my desire to say hello to Male Roommate before he went back to the dreaded workplace meant that Boyfriend and I holed up in my bedroom.
Male Roommate, having listened to six months of straight bitching, assumed that I was breaking up with Boyfriend, and didn't even knock on the door...
Meanwhile...we were....reconnecting. I was laying on my bed, out of pure exhaustion- having rolled into the apartment around 2, and having only a few hours to get the laundry done, the body smelling good, and the hair not looking like a birdnest. I think I slept some 3 hours.
He laid next to me and decided that my ass made for an excellent footrest. That led to hair-petting- I've never been a fan of my amazonian locks, but apparently, a wild curly forest is somewhere between "desirable" and "irresistible" to men, or at least the men I date.
Fast forward through personal details to the important part: we go to a seafood restaurant where we eat potentially poisonous food, get the worst service I've ever had in my life, and were able to figure out the difference between "fine dining" and "shitty food served on white table clothes with napkins folded into ducks."
We somehow end up at our old standby diner, drinking the best diner coffee in the world and talking. We hash out our interpersonal demons there, and more or less fix a lot of our problems- which are my problems, because I don't ever communicate properly, and apparently, I have been a heinous bitch at least three times to him since we met.
He wasn't planning on spending the night- mostly because I thought I was going to break up with him and I didn't want to drag it out after spending the night together. So, we decided to "relax" at the apartment before he made the drive back to see his beast.
Truth be told, seeing him be so assertive without being a bastard was a turn on...and the rest of this story is best left to late-night phone calls with the best of friends, not so much for internet posting.
That being said, I took all of Sunday for personal reflection- and I managed to skim through a book that caught my eye about being a good wife. Now, I don't intend to be his wife, at least not at this early juncture, I do think that being a good girlfriend in 2006 is very similar to being a good wife in 1975- the year of this book's publication. Unfortunately, I intend on being the good secular girlfriend of a man in 2006, rather than the doting and stupid slave of a man in 1875, and it seems as though, yet again, the Christians are stuck on 19th century notions.
While I did feel that it was 154 pages of disservice to women, I did come away thinking that I should be more "loyal" to Boyfriend, and that I should also be more free with compliments. I don't cheat, the definition of "loyal" here means that I shouldn't cut him down, but rather, that I should be on his "side."
Anyway, those are the resonating thoughts of the weekend.
I've decided to compliment him on something every day: and I'll post that here.
Today: Boyfriend is a very clean man and is meticulous when it comes to his appearance and apartment.
As it turns out, I am still "seeing someone" and I spent all of today contemplating this relationship. Boyfriend is, and has been, a very good person. I've, behind his back, more or less beat him up out of my own inexplicable insanity. Perhaps I'm just this insane bitch. Perhaps I have unreal expectations. Most likely, it's that I get so hung up on issues, and I just can't let go: and this does not say good things about my personality. Mostly I think it's that I've been thinking that he doesn't deserve me, and that I can do so much better. What a horrible way to think of another human being.
Anyway, I fully prepared to break up with Boyfriend this weekend, right down to tracking down a replacement CD of the crazy German art band he lent me (and I lost).
He was set to show at noon, but actually darkened my door around 2 pm. [side note: I've managed to pick up all of the really ugly traits from my mother, among them is the incredible ability to be an unreasonable bitch and an anxiety about time. If you say that you will pick me up from the train station at 6:05, I expect your ass there at 6:10 at the latest, because I will beat down the mafia to be on time. I didn't call her "The Time Nazi" for nothing.] Boyfriend is not so fastidious with a time piece. When my OCD finally sets in, my first behavior will be watch-checking.
-Anyway- I have lunch waiting- mostly because I don't have any money, and I'm not the least bit interested in showing weakness by not being able to pay my half. Boyfriend is not a fan of my diet...but he still manages to eat what I've made. We eat in silence, and spend most of the time in awkward restraint. My mind lingers on the CD and how and when I'll end this.
Because Boyfriend decided to depart two hours later than planned, Male Roommate came home for lunch, and Boyfriend's aversion to my friends and my desire to say hello to Male Roommate before he went back to the dreaded workplace meant that Boyfriend and I holed up in my bedroom.
Male Roommate, having listened to six months of straight bitching, assumed that I was breaking up with Boyfriend, and didn't even knock on the door...
Meanwhile...we were....reconnecting. I was laying on my bed, out of pure exhaustion- having rolled into the apartment around 2, and having only a few hours to get the laundry done, the body smelling good, and the hair not looking like a birdnest. I think I slept some 3 hours.
He laid next to me and decided that my ass made for an excellent footrest. That led to hair-petting- I've never been a fan of my amazonian locks, but apparently, a wild curly forest is somewhere between "desirable" and "irresistible" to men, or at least the men I date.
Fast forward through personal details to the important part: we go to a seafood restaurant where we eat potentially poisonous food, get the worst service I've ever had in my life, and were able to figure out the difference between "fine dining" and "shitty food served on white table clothes with napkins folded into ducks."
We somehow end up at our old standby diner, drinking the best diner coffee in the world and talking. We hash out our interpersonal demons there, and more or less fix a lot of our problems- which are my problems, because I don't ever communicate properly, and apparently, I have been a heinous bitch at least three times to him since we met.
He wasn't planning on spending the night- mostly because I thought I was going to break up with him and I didn't want to drag it out after spending the night together. So, we decided to "relax" at the apartment before he made the drive back to see his beast.
Truth be told, seeing him be so assertive without being a bastard was a turn on...and the rest of this story is best left to late-night phone calls with the best of friends, not so much for internet posting.
That being said, I took all of Sunday for personal reflection- and I managed to skim through a book that caught my eye about being a good wife. Now, I don't intend to be his wife, at least not at this early juncture, I do think that being a good girlfriend in 2006 is very similar to being a good wife in 1975- the year of this book's publication. Unfortunately, I intend on being the good secular girlfriend of a man in 2006, rather than the doting and stupid slave of a man in 1875, and it seems as though, yet again, the Christians are stuck on 19th century notions.
While I did feel that it was 154 pages of disservice to women, I did come away thinking that I should be more "loyal" to Boyfriend, and that I should also be more free with compliments. I don't cheat, the definition of "loyal" here means that I shouldn't cut him down, but rather, that I should be on his "side."
Anyway, those are the resonating thoughts of the weekend.
I've decided to compliment him on something every day: and I'll post that here.
Today: Boyfriend is a very clean man and is meticulous when it comes to his appearance and apartment.
posted by iconoclastical at 10:16 PM
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