Is it worth it?

Some days, I want to cry, and if it weren't for the fact that I seemingly can't produce tears, I would.



I've come to that part of my relationship with Boyfriend where I have to make some hard decisions. Frankly, 75% of me is rallying for a break-up. The other, less rational 25% of me is pleading for me to stay with him.


This past weekend, I had the apartment mostly to myself. It was Female Roommate's birthday, so Male Roommate and I chipped in to get her a hotel room: and so Friday night (well, afternoon) left me alone in the apartment, guaranteed to be that way until noon or so on Saturday. Naturally, I informed Boyfriend of this situation (at the end of January, when this plan was conceived) and he decided to show up and spend the weekend with me. Being the way he is, he forgot this plan, and when I mentioned the emptiness of the apartment again Friday afternoon, he had to drop his furbeast with his mother (giving her zero notice, not that she really cares) and he came up here.

Now, his brakes start making a funny noise when he gets within the city limits, and we spend Saturday finding a suitable mechanic for his brakes (I told him during the holidays that the brakes needed to be fixed...But he didn't listen to me) and because he's so damn obsessed with the thought of his car being damaged, he can't piece together an entire sentence while we spend time together.

So, we drop his car off at the mechanic and walk to the neighborhood diner and got some coffee to warm up (because I'm still getting over a cold) and he proceeds to bitch about not wanting to get a cold from me. While sitting at the diner, he mentions that he thinks he will be returning to his place this evening.


What?


"Why?" I ask, ever-so-innocently, not trying to seem desperate.

"Well, I'm not sure, I have this nagging urge to leave." He casually mentioned, stirring the sugar into his burned diner coffee.

I'm sorry, what?!!? Why not just slap me in the face and leave now? I'm in the middle of a very busy time in my life: I don't know when I'll have free time to see him again. I go to see him 3 times as often as he comes to see me, and I stay with him 3 times longer than he stays with me. Doesn't anyone else see a problem with this?

I probe further, and he mentions that he doesn't really feel comfortable being in my apartment because I have two roommates- and I mention that I feel just as out of place in his apartment, but I stick it out. He completely ignores this fact, and spews out some kind of "I need to pick up my cat/demon" thing.

Enter: bitchstate.

We pick up his car, and all is well, he can think about something other than his motherfucking brakes, and we get dinner. We dive further into the "I feel alien in your apartment" issue, and nothing is resolved. I am too proud to say "I don't want you to go" and he is too stupid to pick up me emotionally on my knees begging. Great.

I will say this: I am not proud of my lack of communication skills. Okay?

Anyway, I keep checking my watch (as he mentioned that he wanted to leave town at 9 so he could get back to his precious beast for no reason in particular) and I mention that he's 15 minutes late for his appointment to leave town (in a totally bitchy tone). Then 30 minutes. While we were sitting there, I made up my mind to break up with him, and I considered dumping him as soon as he got me back to my apartment. I re-thought the decision because I have an expensive import CD of his- and I have no idea where it is. If I were to dump him, he'd demand to have it back, and frankly, I have no idea where it is. I decided to wait until after I had found that CD to dump his ass.

Finally, he stopped staring at his eggs and we paid the bill and he drove me back to the apartment. He stops the car in front of the apartment, and while he's mumbling about something that is completely uninteresting to me, I just kind of got out of the car (denying him a goodbye-kiss) and tell him goodbye, closing the door and going into the apartment.


That being said, I'm pretty sure my winning demeanor totally could have convinced him to stay.


I watched him drive away, and I was kind of hoping that he would have picked up my anger from the display, and followed me to the apartment: nope. He just drove home- to be with his stupid fucking waste of animal flesh.

After crying for a while on Male Roommate's shoulder because I was so sure that I would dump Boyfriend. Male Roommate has been lobbying for such a break-up for months, and he deeply feels that Boyfriend is a) a waste of flesh and b) not good enough for me. He spent the next hour tearing the apartment apart looking for that CD while I dipped into the "heartbreak juice." "Heartbreak juice" is the name that male roommate gave to our bottle of rum that seems to only be touched when any of the three of us are heartbroken- it's been sorely abused between the three of us in the past three months, and I'm sad to report that male roommate had to buy a second bottle of heartbreak juice. :o(

I eventually put up an away message that was so unguarded that I was surprised by my own candid message: "sleeping away a bad night." I normally would not be so frank about being upset by this whole episode.

I eventually fell asleep, only to be plagued by a night-terror (gee, I love nightmares that I can't escape). I woke up to a message from Boyfriend, it goes as follows.

Boyfriend (1:23:48 PM): it was a mistake to leave yesterday, and all in all I wish I were there instead
autoresponse from Me (1:23:48 PM): sleeping away a bad night.
Boyfriend (1:25:03 PM): although it was better that I picked the cat up again after leaving it with them on such short notice, and I have a ton of laundry to do (you also), and I only sat like a lump for a little while and then went to sleep
Boyfriend (1:25:33 PM): but now instead of feeling a little depressed and out of place, I feel more depressed and not much less out of place
Boyfriend (1:25:43 PM): so now I also feel stupid



I feel a perverse vindication.


I'm a mess, to say the least. Part of me is screaming "you've had problems with him since you started dating him! Just give up and move on!" And, the other part is touched by his [implied] regret for leaving me after only spending 24 hours (after I cut a week out of my life and vacation time to be with him). It doesn't help that Male Roommate continues to press for an end to the relationship and Boyfriend thinks that I'm quite content to move in with him.


I made a pact with myself to NOT "train" a partner after Ex-Boyfriend J, mostly because I saw the ill-effects of training on the human psyche, and I never wanted to be the cause of such a train wreck. I have always wanted to be the cool girlfriend, and frankly, after Ex-Boyfriend C, I just haven't been able to be cool.

However, I've begun to wonder if "training" is really that bad: after all, I might actually be happy if I were forcing Boyfriend to treat me like a princess. No, I don't want to be a high-maintenance bitch, but getting that treatment would certainly be preferable to the current situation. AND, I might not be such a raving bitch about every little thing because every little thing wouldn't piss me off like they do, now.


Anyway, since Male Roommate was pushing me so hard to break-up with Boyfriend, I decided to not break-up with Boyfriend, but instead wait until he found just the right apartment that he wants, and make the decision before he signs the lease. I find that fair enough: it gives me enough time to fully weigh out my anger and enough time for him to make it up to me.