addendum

In addition to the reasons previously listed as to why I seek to end my employment at Workplace, Assistant failed to show up today until the last 20 minutes of work this evening because Manager failed to give Assistant a valid copy of the schedule. I came in on Christmas Eve for an "emergency" and was suckered into working away my holiday...and then had to do nearly double the work today because Manager can't write a proper schedule. Ridiculous.

I worked Christmas Eve

I hate quitting jobs, but I have a few compelling reasons to quit this one.

1. I do not have the regular schedule that I requested and was promised. I work many weekends, and don't make the hours that I really wanted. My days off aren't sequential, and are not in any kind of determined pattern.

2. I do not get paid enough/don't receive good benefits. For the work I do, I should be getting better pay OR benefits. Getting bronchitis and not being able to pay a doctor to see me is unacceptable. This is America, not Uganda.

3. The environment is a conductor for stress. My coworkers spend more time kissing ass than completing work. When I see a to-do list, I am compelled to complete it. However, my coworkers are more into that "we get paid even if we sit around, so let's just sit around" school of thought. This mostly irritates me because I come in and see that the majority of the to-do list is not completed, and I have to hurry to finish it all.

4. I just spent Christmas Eve at work. I had plans to see my sisters, I had the day off. I said, don't call me. They called me. So, I worked. And my phone went dead. So, now, it's 10:36, and verifiably to late to call. I'll have to call tomorrow and sound like a total jackass for fucking missing Christmas Eve.

5. This conversation: note- I've been drinking a lot today.

manager: I'm glad you could come in.
me: I really have to hurry and be out of here. I don't want to miss seeing my sisters and dog.
manager: I don't know when we'll get out coworker is sick and can't come in.
me: I'm not on the schedule, am I getting holiday pay?
manager: we can work that out.
me: so I'm doing everything?
manager: is that a problem.
me: uh, yeah...you may not have noticed, but I'm not really sober.
manager: you came to work drunk?
me: you called me on my day off.
manager: aren't you under 21?
me: I was drinking private alcohol on private property. It was totally legal.
manager: I could report you to other manager.
me (being belligerent): you called me in on my day off...On a holiday...from a party...and this is legal. Do I get tomorrow off?
manager: no.
me: I'm calling in sick tomorrow. I worked thanksgiving and now Christmas eve. I'm scheduled for new years eve, and probably for new years day. I get Christmas off.
manager: I know you'd be lying, I'd need a doctor's note.
me: I'm still nursing bronchitis...I can't get over it since I don't have insurance to go to the doctor's.
manager: then why are you here?
me: because I didn't think coworker should have to work when she's ill.
manager: so you're well enough to work?
me: I'm drunk enough to put up with this shit.
manager: if you call in sick tomorrow, I'm going to have to fire you.
me: whatever.

6. I am consistently demoted to babysitter. I have a technical position. If I wanted to be a babysitter, I would get a job as a nanny. I have a job looking through microscopes, not telling kids to behave. I refuse to make sure those brats don't hurt themselves anymore. And, if they mess up, I hope someone sues this company.

7. Our receptionists are lazy wastes of human flesh. I would really like to get a job as a receptionist so that I can have a job description that reads: duties include staring off into space, putting everyone on hold, reading People Magazine, not answering phones, maintaining IQ below 60, eating popcorn, refusing to do work and creating messes.

8. The company plans on hiring a part time person to "fill in work gaps." Frankly, such gaps do not exist, and I only see this as a way to cut back my hours, as I keep pulling overtime hours. I can't afford to lose time, especially when I need to be making more, anyway.

No Pitter Patter

A few weeks ago, I experienced my very first pregnancy scare. After being very queasy for a few days, it dawned on me that I hadn't had my period in a while- and then I had a 36 hour period of emotional chaos. Fear, loathing, confusion...it was all there. Mostly confusion. I had no sexual activity for months...and I was always protected.


So, I ever so discreetly invested in a pregnancy test, and did the whole "I won't make a decision until I know for sure" thing. Well, as logic would have it, I wasn't pregnant (surprise! stomach flu!) and I got my period the next day (because stomach flu doesn't suck enough!)


I never told anyone, because, now that I've thought about it, it's embarassingly silly that I thought for a second that I could be pregnant. Afterall, I wasn't having sex, I'm prone to irregular menstruation, and the stomache flu was circulating through my apartment. Smart, Dyna, real smart.


But since that time, I've toyed with the idea. Mostly because the boy and I have discussed being sexually active (after a long long long hiatus) and it was important to him that we have a contingency plan in case of pregnancy. That's fine- one of the things I like about him is that he needs that kind of planning in place. I did tell him that I would not marry him strictly because I would be carrying his child as I don't think it's fair to bring a baby into a situation that is not necessarily a loving and stable home. I also told him that I would not very seriously consider abortion, as I don't think I could go through with it. But I would think long and hard about adoption- I'm just not ready for a baby. I also told him that, while I feel that fathers have a certain amount of say over the fate of their fetuses, it's ultimately my decision. My body is not simply a vessel for creating and nurturing more people; rather, it's my living space and tool, and I might, one day, decide to share said space with a fetus, and then decide to care for it.


That noted, I'll say it right now, the boy would make an excellent father; he is rather stingy with affection (but, so am I), but I think he would make for a very solid and available figure. If I could choose any of the past boys to be a baby daddy, it would be this boy. I get the general impression that the boy wants to be a father, and that is altogether quite comforting if I ever find myself pregnant. It's not really comforting that he would be quite content to be settled down and buying baby booties and looking into preschools right now, though.


So, now that I am officially sure that I am not pregnant, I can safely toy with the idea. Now that I have a general idea of what I actually want out of life, and I've climbed out of the bottomless pit of self-loathing and depression, I can enter into a healthy relationship...and perhaps look to the future, rather then revelling in the past/present. Would being a mommy be that horrible? I've always imagined that I would hate it. I hate babies crying in restaurants, I can't stand little kids being irritating in stores, I don't particularly care for the idea of ending most of my own ambitions to throw myself at the upbringing of offspring, and I'm not really sure that I could be a good mother.


Strangely enough, I've heard the very first tickings of the biological clock. Maybe it's the sense of inevitablity that I get from the boy: probably mostly from his language. "Marriage" slowly changed from "one day i'll meet someone" to "if we" to "we have our future to plan." The issue of children morphed from "I'm ambivalent about kids" to "one day" to "how do you feel about such and such issue in parenting?" It's hard to not plan and plot when someone else is already staking claims on your future.


Only once in my life have I had a stronger urge to end a relationship, and never have I been so compelled to stay in one.