Selfish

There are some days in which I wish that I had broken up with Boyfriend in September when I was getting bad vibes- but, like most retards, I just don't know when to let go.

There are other times when I think "yeah, I could spend a long time with this guy, he's pretty alright."

Yesterday, I found myself thinking very fondly of him while we were visiting Keenan and Marcel, after the long sip of margarita had dulled my senses enough for me to forget the uncomfortable common law wife comment, that is. I think this was mostly due to the fact that we were sitting around with Keenan and Marcel (both of whom I like) talking about purchasing a house in the next year or so (and I would really love to own a house).

However, pretty much every other moment for the past month has me thinking "jeebus, this is going to be rocky, resentful and short."

And, I finally figured out why: Boyfriend is selfish.

Now, I've spent my entire life thinking that I am a horrible selfish person. And, until recently, I was probably one of the most selfish people that I knew...until I met Boyfriend. For a while, I thought it was because he completely lacked EMPATHY, but it turns out that theory is completely backwards.

Because, in order for a lack of EMPATHY to be the problem, the person has to be un-selfish enough to care about how another person feels, but ultimately fail at realizing how the other person feels. For Boyfriend, the problem is that he is SELFISH because he doesn't give a shit how anyone feels but himself.

If he is happy, then all is good. If he is not happy, everyone better fucking bend over backwards to fix the problem.

Examples:

1. The Slamming Door Dilemma

We live on the end of a wing so that one of the main doors that people use to enter the building is on the wall next to the bed. Boyfriend and I usually sleep until 9 in the morning, and therefore the last two hours of our weekday sleep is peppered with the sound of that door closing. I have learned to sleep through it because it is a door, and doors close. People leave for work in the morning, and if it really bothered me, I could go to sleep two hours earlier and wake up two hours earlier. It's not even that loud, and you can't hear it at all above the sound of the air conditioner or even the fan. Boyfriend, however, being the fucking princess that he is, apparently just can't sleep through the last two hours of his regularly scheduled sleep, and refuses to accept the possibility that he ought to keep average adult hours.

So, he bitches out the property manager who explains to him that we are living in one of the handicap accessible apartments, and all of the people around us are handicapped. The door slams closed because there is very very little tension in the door (in either direction) because the handicapped people need to be able to open the doors, and because Boyfriend was so fucking picky about the location of the apartment, it's essentially his own fault that he can't sleep for the last two hours of his normal schedule.

My reaction: "it must really suck to deal with these doors when you're in a wheel chair, so surely the two hours of minimal noise in the morning are completely unimportant in the face of my neighbor's ability to actually get into the building."

Boyfriend's reaction: "fuck the cripples, my sleep is more important that everyone else's ability to access their own fucking home."

I have made the wise decision not to say anything either way about the issue because the management staff is not going to make the handicapped people suffer so that my idiotic domestic partner can sleep in late every day.

2. The Parking Lot Incident

We were coming back from Boyfriend's Parents' home and pulling into the [usually full] parking lot of the apartment building. There is a driveway that goes past the parking lot, so Boyfriend and I usually take notice of the available spots on the way in to avoid spending unnecessary time hunting for a spot. We saw two really great spots (which is totally unusual because by 9:30 pm, the parking lot is completely packed, and the only spots are kind of a hike away- not that it's a problem for us since we are able-bodied adults). We circle in, and notice an elderly woman pulling into the spot that was slightly more prime than the previous spot, meaning we would have to take a different prime (but not extremely prime) parking spot.

My reaction: "Sweet! We'll be so close to the door!"

Boyfriend's reaction: "So typical. God, this place is merciless."

Fucking what? I proceeded to question him on this concept because, as far as I could tell, what he said made zero sense. My argument was that in a parking lot, if you get to a spot, and there is no other car in the spot, the spot is yours unless it is reserved parking. Boyfriend said something to the effect of "God, even if you see a spot, you can't be sure that you'll get it."

Fucking what? It dawned on me what the problem was. It's not that Boyfriend doesn't understand the way the parking lot functions, it's that he's really fucking selfish. He feels, as the fucking world deity, everyone should automatically know exactly what he wants, and bow out to him. That old lady should have known that he had seen that obscenely good spot and actually used her vehicle to block anyone but Boyfriend from parking there.

I called Boyfriend on the stupid sentiment, and he got pissy and we are still not really talking. I'm completely convinced that he's an asshole.

3. Shut-UpGate

Boyfriend and I were discussing immigration. Now, to make it clear: as a humanitarian, I think that anyone that wants to be an American and is willing to abide by our laws, should be allowed to enter the country within a reasonable time. That is to say, making people wait 11 years in their home country/shithole only encourages illegal immigration. As a realist, I know that's a horrible idea. My opinion is that we should figure out how many people our economy and physical land can handle, and allow that many people in- that, to me, is the best way to go. I'm pretty sure that Boyfriend feels similarly, but he wouldn't know that he probably agrees with me because he NEVER SHUTS UP. EVER.

He ALWAYS interrupts me when I am making a point on a subject that he is passionate about- especially if I am taking my time to create a full sentence that properly frames a point. I'm not an extremist, so I often have to create the correct environment for a specific thought. Naturally, I rarely get to actually make a point because I will get 8 words into a sentence before I am completely cut off while he goes on and on about how he feels. FUCK THAT.

So, while we were discussing realistic options to real problems given the real political and social climate, I got very little in, and while attempting to make a point about the legal right of the US to enforce its laws despite how long they have lapsed on said duty. My point what that the US has a right to enforce its laws even though it hasn't enforced the laws for many people and allowed illegals to live in the area for decades, and despite that it may be immoral, it is legal for the US to deport otherwise lawful residents. Boyfriend, for the millionth time, interrupted me and completely ignored the fact that I was beginning to make a valid point.

"SHUT UP" I screamed, snapping him into attention long enough for me to finish my point. Like in the previous three situations, being called on his bad behavior proceeded to spend the rest of the afternoon in a tiff.

Here's the thing: it's not that he's so enthused that he just *has* to make a point, he's SELFISH. He very much feels as though everyone else's opinion should be put on the back burner while being completely engrossed by his words and thoughts.

I've noticed that pretty much everything that happens with him is motivated by this selfish impulse. He's never asked me if I want to play one of my CDs on the studio-quality sound system. He never asks me what I would like to watch on the television. He never asks me what I would like to eat for dinner. He doesn't care about when I would like to go to bed. He doesn't care how I feel about pretty much anything. All of our conversation centers on him and his cat.



This relationship is most certainly going to last only as long as I can gain some financial independence, stability and backbone.