Open Letter to Depression/Why Does He Have to Fight with Me About Everything
Hello, Depression!
I know, it's been a while...And we should probably catch up, but I kind of thought that I had kicked you to the curb. I mean, I don't want to be rude, but I kind of have to leave you the pineapple.
See, I'm finally kind of getting my shit together. I finally have a job with insurance and a retirement plan. I eat like...Twice a day, too. I have a little gym membership and I'm in the process of purchasing a car. I live in an apartment with a dude who sometimes wants to bone, and I only worry about money once in a while. See, I thought you wouldn't be coming back any time soon.
I figured that while I had 0 shit together, you would be hanging out with me like...All the time. But, you totally didn't show up, so I thought we weren't buddies any more, and I kind of moved on and made friends with Contentedness and Determination. Yeah, we were pretty tight- and I know that bothers you, and that you don't get along with either of them. Listen, they are not gonna come chill with me if you keep hanging around.
So, I hate to be a bitch to you, since we were so tight for so long, but you're going to have to go. See, I have insurance now...And if you don't pack your bags and head on out...I might have to get some Prozac and clear you out of here.
__________________________________________________
JEEBUS!
Boyfriend has decided to contest me on every little thing. Unfortunately, I am usually right, and not nearly as argumentative.
Example: I like to take walks on this little trail that has been created by Suburb's Park District. The best part about the trail is that it goes through a densely forested area (the only quarter of an acre of forest in Suburb). The downfall of the trail is the number of bugs. I hate bugs. On the list of things I hate, it's pretty much like 1. Intentional ignorance 2. Republicans using religion as a front for their evil business plots and 3. Bugs. I *really* hate them. I especially hate it when they buzz really close to my ear.
So, the other day, Boyfriend was off to the store, and asked me if I needed anything, and I asked him to pick up a pair of super cheap, rather shitty, headphones. He asks me what's wrong with the *great* studio monitor headphones he got for me for Christmas, and I told him that I wanted something to listen to when I was on the trail, and I'm just not comfortable taking those outside when I'll be sweating.
He rolled his eyes, and said "God, why don't you just enjoy the sounds of nature." After he left, I punched a pillow and further argued my case to StupidFuckingCat. Frankly, I use those walks for exercise, and I would really like to keep a beat to keep myself moving, and I really hate those bugs. She ignored me, and then attempted to tear up the bedspread. I guess she took his side.
Well, last night, he asked me if I wanted to go for a walk with him since I had "fallen from the habit." I informed him that I have been in the middle of a week-long cramp session where the cramps are not only located in the usual belly/lower belly area, but rather, these are mega menstrual cramps that have taken over my legs, back and neck. I have simply taken 3 days off because I have been working every day, not sleeping well, crampy, cleaning, and cooking. I literally have not had a freakin' minute to myself.
I get the impression that he was taking me for a walk. Fuck him. But, we go on the trail, and the first thing he starts doing is freaking out about the bugs flying around his ears.
Naturally, I wait for the perfect moment when he mentions that he should have brought some earmuffs.
"God, Boyfriend, why can't you just enjoy the sounds of nature?"
He was completely stunned. It was as if someone had literally got him with a stun gun. It was the best moment of my day. Maybe he swallowed one of those bugs.
He blinked and said "what?" like he didn't know what I was talking about.
I pushed a little more: "you know, why would you want to block out the sounds of nature? God, why can't you just enjoy it?"
He continued to look just as stunned and confused as ever. He knew exactly what I was talking about, and it took him a good five minute to cope with the fact that someone had turned something on him- his meek and mild girlfriend, even.
He finally just made a fist and said "one day...one day...to the mooooooooooon!"
Awesome. You know you win the argument when he has no choice but to quote old television classics.
Example Two: when I moved Boyfriend into the apartment, I took the time to carefully arrange the kitchen in the most logical way possible, putting all of the teas that he owns into 1 cabinet out of the way for whoever is cooking, but in a logical place for whoever is drinking tea. I come back, three weeks later, and all of the tea is re-arranged...And it now owns two cabinets. TWO of the SIX cabinets devoted to tea. Come ON. Also, they are in the cabinets that are the least logical place. He has also managed to re-arrange everything else so that things are high in the cabinets, I can't reach anything that I need, and only the placement of the glasses makes sense.
I argued that it needed to be changed, and he refused to consider my points. I gave up, and sure enough, for the past week, we have constantly had problems with the kitchen- I need him to be around to get stuff from the cabinets, and when he's poking around trying to make tea, we are in each other's way.
He constantly bitches about it, and I finally just said "If you hadn't re-arranged everything in this kitchen, we would have enough room to put the groceries away, and we could co-exist here."
Baffled, again, he walked away looking stunned.
Example Three: This was the day I definitely wanted to kill him. I was, STILL, in the middle of this crampy, evil period. I had spent all day doing his laundry, and he gave me attitude while I was folding and putting away his underwear. It was late (like 8:00, and I knew dinner wouldn't be ready until 10 or so) and I hadn't eaten since noon...And so I know I wouldn't eat dinner because it would be too late.
Well, he decided that he wanted Chana Masala, which, as I'm sure you know, calls for Garam Masala, which, as I'm sure you know, is a toasted and ground mix of spices. This can be made at home with the average spices one would find in an Indian kitchen. OR, it can be purchased for pretty cheap at any Indian grocer. I took one look at the recipe, and opted for the Indian grocer, but, the same man who used to eat every single meal out of a take-out box, now insists on home-made garam masala.
Fuck.
We have about 75% of the spices on the list, and he tells me to "improvise." Improvise? I don't know what half of the shit on the list is...Let alone what it tastes like, and what would be an equivalent. Moreover, everything is some kind of retarded mix of metric measurements and old Indian housewife measurements- neither of which I know or even have the ability to measure.
It was like...Take 30 grams of that and mix it with as much of whatever else you would put into that recipe with a handful of that and...I was getting testy, especially since the recipe only called for a teaspoon of this crap to season four cups of chick peas, three onion and three tomatoes...Not to mention the fact that we could purchase this crap for like...Two dollars.
So, I'm hungry, sore, tired, and frustrated, and he starts yelling at me because I'm "not having faith in the recipe" or whatever. So, I started yelling back, and I let him fucking have it. I let him know that I would cooking this recipe with the full knowledge that I am going to be hungry tonight, I am sore, I'm pissed that he gave me attitude about the way to fold man panties, and at best, I wanted to mutilate him.
He walked away, no apology (typical...I have yet to get any kind of apology from him---ever---) and no talking. In fact, he continued to completely avoid me. That's pretty much his tactic for dealing with me when I'm not happy. Just leave me alone- which, as you probably know, only pisses me off more when I'm mad at him.
Example Four (final example): I don't like being late. In fact, I don't even like being on time. I like to be at least 10 minutes early, especially when I'm going to work...Boyfriend does not understand this, and I've come to accept that he's ALWAYS late. And yes, it's because he has 0 respect for the people who are affected by his tardiness. But, I refuse to be late for work, and while I still don't have a car, he has to drive me. So, I'm pretty good about getting on his ass to get up and get moving at the appropriate time.
Well, he was running a little late the other day..By about 15 minutes, and I reminded him. He has to be in the shower by half-past or else there is no way I can get to work in time...And it was 2:43. Well, I said "Boyfriend, it's quarter to...Are you getting in the shower?" And he gets all pissy and says "I see the clock, it's 2:43, not quarter to...If you're going to remind me of the time, you might as well be accurate."
Fucker. Stupid, late, cat-loving, anal-retentive, unfunny, jackass Boyfriend.
P.S. On the advice of a friend, I have decided to handle our sexual disfunction by not giving out blowjobs until I get off- it's been 5 months, and damnit, it's my turn.
Methinks he will die before he gets another blowjob from me.
I know, it's been a while...And we should probably catch up, but I kind of thought that I had kicked you to the curb. I mean, I don't want to be rude, but I kind of have to leave you the pineapple.
See, I'm finally kind of getting my shit together. I finally have a job with insurance and a retirement plan. I eat like...Twice a day, too. I have a little gym membership and I'm in the process of purchasing a car. I live in an apartment with a dude who sometimes wants to bone, and I only worry about money once in a while. See, I thought you wouldn't be coming back any time soon.
I figured that while I had 0 shit together, you would be hanging out with me like...All the time. But, you totally didn't show up, so I thought we weren't buddies any more, and I kind of moved on and made friends with Contentedness and Determination. Yeah, we were pretty tight- and I know that bothers you, and that you don't get along with either of them. Listen, they are not gonna come chill with me if you keep hanging around.
So, I hate to be a bitch to you, since we were so tight for so long, but you're going to have to go. See, I have insurance now...And if you don't pack your bags and head on out...I might have to get some Prozac and clear you out of here.
__________________________________________________
JEEBUS!
Boyfriend has decided to contest me on every little thing. Unfortunately, I am usually right, and not nearly as argumentative.
Example: I like to take walks on this little trail that has been created by Suburb's Park District. The best part about the trail is that it goes through a densely forested area (the only quarter of an acre of forest in Suburb). The downfall of the trail is the number of bugs. I hate bugs. On the list of things I hate, it's pretty much like 1. Intentional ignorance 2. Republicans using religion as a front for their evil business plots and 3. Bugs. I *really* hate them. I especially hate it when they buzz really close to my ear.
So, the other day, Boyfriend was off to the store, and asked me if I needed anything, and I asked him to pick up a pair of super cheap, rather shitty, headphones. He asks me what's wrong with the *great* studio monitor headphones he got for me for Christmas, and I told him that I wanted something to listen to when I was on the trail, and I'm just not comfortable taking those outside when I'll be sweating.
He rolled his eyes, and said "God, why don't you just enjoy the sounds of nature." After he left, I punched a pillow and further argued my case to StupidFuckingCat. Frankly, I use those walks for exercise, and I would really like to keep a beat to keep myself moving, and I really hate those bugs. She ignored me, and then attempted to tear up the bedspread. I guess she took his side.
Well, last night, he asked me if I wanted to go for a walk with him since I had "fallen from the habit." I informed him that I have been in the middle of a week-long cramp session where the cramps are not only located in the usual belly/lower belly area, but rather, these are mega menstrual cramps that have taken over my legs, back and neck. I have simply taken 3 days off because I have been working every day, not sleeping well, crampy, cleaning, and cooking. I literally have not had a freakin' minute to myself.
I get the impression that he was taking me for a walk. Fuck him. But, we go on the trail, and the first thing he starts doing is freaking out about the bugs flying around his ears.
Naturally, I wait for the perfect moment when he mentions that he should have brought some earmuffs.
"God, Boyfriend, why can't you just enjoy the sounds of nature?"
He was completely stunned. It was as if someone had literally got him with a stun gun. It was the best moment of my day. Maybe he swallowed one of those bugs.
He blinked and said "what?" like he didn't know what I was talking about.
I pushed a little more: "you know, why would you want to block out the sounds of nature? God, why can't you just enjoy it?"
He continued to look just as stunned and confused as ever. He knew exactly what I was talking about, and it took him a good five minute to cope with the fact that someone had turned something on him- his meek and mild girlfriend, even.
He finally just made a fist and said "one day...one day...to the mooooooooooon!"
Awesome. You know you win the argument when he has no choice but to quote old television classics.
Example Two: when I moved Boyfriend into the apartment, I took the time to carefully arrange the kitchen in the most logical way possible, putting all of the teas that he owns into 1 cabinet out of the way for whoever is cooking, but in a logical place for whoever is drinking tea. I come back, three weeks later, and all of the tea is re-arranged...And it now owns two cabinets. TWO of the SIX cabinets devoted to tea. Come ON. Also, they are in the cabinets that are the least logical place. He has also managed to re-arrange everything else so that things are high in the cabinets, I can't reach anything that I need, and only the placement of the glasses makes sense.
I argued that it needed to be changed, and he refused to consider my points. I gave up, and sure enough, for the past week, we have constantly had problems with the kitchen- I need him to be around to get stuff from the cabinets, and when he's poking around trying to make tea, we are in each other's way.
He constantly bitches about it, and I finally just said "If you hadn't re-arranged everything in this kitchen, we would have enough room to put the groceries away, and we could co-exist here."
Baffled, again, he walked away looking stunned.
Example Three: This was the day I definitely wanted to kill him. I was, STILL, in the middle of this crampy, evil period. I had spent all day doing his laundry, and he gave me attitude while I was folding and putting away his underwear. It was late (like 8:00, and I knew dinner wouldn't be ready until 10 or so) and I hadn't eaten since noon...And so I know I wouldn't eat dinner because it would be too late.
Well, he decided that he wanted Chana Masala, which, as I'm sure you know, calls for Garam Masala, which, as I'm sure you know, is a toasted and ground mix of spices. This can be made at home with the average spices one would find in an Indian kitchen. OR, it can be purchased for pretty cheap at any Indian grocer. I took one look at the recipe, and opted for the Indian grocer, but, the same man who used to eat every single meal out of a take-out box, now insists on home-made garam masala.
Fuck.
We have about 75% of the spices on the list, and he tells me to "improvise." Improvise? I don't know what half of the shit on the list is...Let alone what it tastes like, and what would be an equivalent. Moreover, everything is some kind of retarded mix of metric measurements and old Indian housewife measurements- neither of which I know or even have the ability to measure.
It was like...Take 30 grams of that and mix it with as much of whatever else you would put into that recipe with a handful of that and...I was getting testy, especially since the recipe only called for a teaspoon of this crap to season four cups of chick peas, three onion and three tomatoes...Not to mention the fact that we could purchase this crap for like...Two dollars.
So, I'm hungry, sore, tired, and frustrated, and he starts yelling at me because I'm "not having faith in the recipe" or whatever. So, I started yelling back, and I let him fucking have it. I let him know that I would cooking this recipe with the full knowledge that I am going to be hungry tonight, I am sore, I'm pissed that he gave me attitude about the way to fold man panties, and at best, I wanted to mutilate him.
He walked away, no apology (typical...I have yet to get any kind of apology from him---ever---) and no talking. In fact, he continued to completely avoid me. That's pretty much his tactic for dealing with me when I'm not happy. Just leave me alone- which, as you probably know, only pisses me off more when I'm mad at him.
Example Four (final example): I don't like being late. In fact, I don't even like being on time. I like to be at least 10 minutes early, especially when I'm going to work...Boyfriend does not understand this, and I've come to accept that he's ALWAYS late. And yes, it's because he has 0 respect for the people who are affected by his tardiness. But, I refuse to be late for work, and while I still don't have a car, he has to drive me. So, I'm pretty good about getting on his ass to get up and get moving at the appropriate time.
Well, he was running a little late the other day..By about 15 minutes, and I reminded him. He has to be in the shower by half-past or else there is no way I can get to work in time...And it was 2:43. Well, I said "Boyfriend, it's quarter to...Are you getting in the shower?" And he gets all pissy and says "I see the clock, it's 2:43, not quarter to...If you're going to remind me of the time, you might as well be accurate."
Fucker. Stupid, late, cat-loving, anal-retentive, unfunny, jackass Boyfriend.
P.S. On the advice of a friend, I have decided to handle our sexual disfunction by not giving out blowjobs until I get off- it's been 5 months, and damnit, it's my turn.
Methinks he will die before he gets another blowjob from me.
posted by iconoclastical at 1:06 PM
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