Email

The following is a quote from an email from Boy. Boy and I had plans to see each other today through Thursday (we're kind of like weekend warriors), but, I've become a bit ill, so I'm using my time off to recover, and kick the illness before I go back to work Thursday afternoon. I wrote him a quick note to tell him that I wouldn't be spending time with him, and I got the following bit back:


"Trying to be with you is becoming a very lonely experience. I worry
that my connection to you will falter. Sometimes, like right now and
for the last few days, I feel like you're only in my imagination, when I
want your real companionship and it isn't possible."


now, here's what I wrote back:

I'm sorry to hear that you feel lonely in this relationship. I know that, since we don't live close to each other, it's hard to see each other often, and that can strain our ability to maintain a good relationship. I don't want to be your imaginary girlfriend, and hopefully we can amend that situation when I'm feeling better- I plan on using my time off next week to stay with you. We can talk more about that then- not to mention create a way to juggle work schedules to make everything fit. Right now is very busy for me, and I don't want to feel like I'm edging you out- I'm just genuinely very busy and in a stressful time right now, a time that is, perhaps, not best suited to nurture a relationship. Obviously, that just means that we have to be mindful and considerate of circumstances.



what i wanted to write:

Dear Boyfriend-
I think you have a good reason to be paranoid about me ending this relationship. It makes me angry that you manipulate everything that I say about Roommates into reasons why I should move in with you. I don't like how you take me furniture shopping for your apartment- and then refer to the items purchased as "our" things. I find it irritating that you understand that I work to make ends meet, but I'm still the one paying $20 in transportation to see you- when you are the one with the flexible schedule and car. I even have a short list of reasons why I don't like you- and why I am contemplating leaving you.

1. I -hate- your cat. when you aren't looking, I flip it off. When you're in the shower, I tell it in Spanish that I want to kill it. and I do. If it weren't for the fact that I care about animal rights, I would have killed your cat by now. I refuse to move in with you for as long as your stupid beast has claws in the front paws. I also refuse to move in for as long as your cat has teeth, because it manages to destroy a piece of your property every day. You're the dumbass who decided to put a fucking barn cat in a one bedroom apartment, I'm not going to be the dumbass who lets your beast ruin my things. I've been down that road before, and it didn't end nicely.

2. You make me feel very self conscious about my body in a very bad way. And, your bones poke me. Seriously, it hurts. Eat something.

3. You take too long to get ready. This sounds even more retarded than the cat point, but for the love of god...this is ridiculous. You can call me and surprise me with any activity- from a baseball game to a white tie dinner, and I promise you that I can be ready to roll in 30 minutes or less. When we get Indian takeout, you need at least 3 hours to groom before we can get in the car, get dinner, and go back to the apartment to eat. It drives me crazy that you have to stop the car, get out, and make a special stop (or go back home!) because you see a hair out of place in your rear-view mirror. If you looked bad, I would tell you. You're fine, stop being such a girl.

4. You base your mental health on my presence. I'm really happy that your anxiety issues have all but disappeared, but it really bothers me that you claim that I am the reason these issues were resolved. It also bothers me that you think that all of your issues will return if I leave- it quadruples any guilt I already incur for attempting to dump you.

5. There is close to zero affection between us, and while I like things a little cooler, I don't like to wonder if you are not attracted to me, gay, or a fucking robot.


There are other issues, but that's for another time. The important thing for you to know is that you shouldn't give me a jump off point to dump you, because I'll do it. Because, if you feel so fucking alone, don't waste your time being faithful to me- go date whichever groupie you pick up next. God knows I've had my eye on someone for a while now. So, if it feels like you can't have my companionship in your hour of need, why don't you get in your fucking car, and make the drive to see me? when's the last time you were in my neighborhood? 5, 6 weeks ago? Roommates don't bite- and I know you feel uncomfortable staying in my room with them here, but it's not like we're having sex. Your neighbors can feed your beast, you're welcome to spend the night here when you're feeling lonely. I can't just take time off and come see you- I'll lose my job, or worse, step on the toes of Coworker.


I'm sick, I'm tired, I'm lonely (too), I'm not really happy with you, and I'm in a bad mood, now is not the right time to say that I'm not providing sufficient girlfriend service to you, especially since I mostly feel like some kind of escort who shows up for dinners with your family, time with your friends, work functions, and cultural events- but somehow shells out for the pleasure of being the smiley puppet.

I refuse to move in with you- even though you want to buy that house that we both liked, and you've been willing to completely change your lifestyle to urge me to live with you. I like Roommates, and I like my livingspace. I'm not sure that I like you- and I won't be living with you.

-Girlfriend.